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"Totgeleibt" chapter one

Here is chapter one to a new Soubi/Ritsuka fanfiction I am starting ^^.

Title: Totgeleibt
Summary: AU. Ritsuka is writing a confessional letter about his young, lonely life and someone he meets who wants more from him than he can offer. Or can he?
Pairing: Soubi/Ritsuka
Rating: PG-13
Notes: I always wanted the fact that Soubi is 8 years older than Ritsuka to be focused on a bit more in Loveless. This story focuses on that quite a bit, and takes place in a normal world without spell battles and such. Everything else is generally the same, though.

    Dear ___,

    It is late at night, probably somewhere between eleven and twelve-thirty. I can’t be sure, because my cell phone isn’t by my side. It may be abnormal for a sixth grader to stay up this late on a school night, but it’s just something that happens. I don’t sleep very easily.


    I checked my cell phone a little while ago. It is now two-fifteen. I want to write more in this little notebook I bought, but I’m a little embarrassed. Katsuko-sensei says this is a good exercise for me, but I don’t even know where to begin.


    It is now exactly four AM. I can’t sleep. I’m bored. I guess I will have to write here after all. It’s not like anyone will find these words.

    I guess, if you want to be precise, everything all started a few years ago. When this “Ritsuka” was born, and I met Seimei, my older brother. I knew from the moment I opened my eyes, not knowing who I was or where I was, life would be abnormal for me. My mother instantly gave me the cold shoulder, reacting dangerously to her ten year old son who had changed dramatically overnight. My father didn’t add much to the situation; he agreed with everything my mother said, including starting therapy with Katsuko-sensei to bring back the old “Ritsuka”. My older brother, Seimei, was the only light in my life.

    He did what every great older brother should and more; He played with me, he taught me about my “new” neighborhood and school, he showed me new things and made me happy. I was only with him for two years of this new life, but I knew I loved him more than anything else.

    Then he died. I know people die all the time, but why did it have to happen to me? There are plenty of children who have not experienced death in any way. But, then again, there are many who have. I was just unlucky.

    Seimei was murdered. They found his corpse the day after he went missing. I guess in a way that was good; it crushed my hope for his return before I became too hopeful. We’re still not sure who the killer was. It could have been a gang of teenagers, a pervert, or someone who just truly hated my beloved older brother. But I didn’t know anyone who possibly could.

    My family moved to a new neighborhood. The new house was much closer to Katsuko-sensei, which was a relief, but that would mean I would have to attend a new school. I didn’t care too much. I didn’t have many friends at my old school to begin with, after the incident, and I wasn’t too preoccupied with finding new ones.

    On my first very first day of my new elementary school, I had already caused an uproar. My teacher treated me specially, probably with the knowledge of Seimei’s death. The perky girl next to me cried when I told her she was stupid. All the students in my class glared at me, already deciding that they didn’t like me.

    And I didn’t care. I didn’t want friends. I was fine by myself.

    When the last bell rang that day, I slowly went down the stairs and left my school. A girl from my class, the one who had been crying just a few periods ago, tried talking to me again. I didn’t know what her problem was, so I brushed her off and walked briskly through the front gates of the school.

    “Why are you mad?” someone asked.

    I heard the voice before I felt the land closed around my wrist. I stared for a moment into space, before I had registered who had quite said those words.

    He was older than me. Probably in college. He looked somewhat sophisticated, wearing a long coat and casually smoking a cigarette. He wore glasses at the end of his nose, and I briefly thought that he seemed like a cool person, until I saw the top of his head.

    There were no ears.

    “Who are you?” I demanded, trying to snatch my hand back. To my surprise, he held on tighter to my wrist, pulling me a step closer to him.

    “You don’t know me?” he said in this soft, tobacco-husky voice.

    “Of course not!” I yelled, trying again fruitlessly to take my hand back. Why would I know this... adult? This impure adult, with no ears.

    “I came to your house once, a few years ago...” he said, scratching his head and peering down at me.

    I glared. “If it was more than two years ago, I don’t remember you,” I spat.

    He looked at me, confused, but he didn’t ask what I meant by that. “I was a friend of your brother’s. He told me about you.”

    I froze.

    “You knew my brother?” I repeated softly. I felt his grip on my wrist relax, and I pulled free. “Were you his friend?”

    “Mm-hm,” he answered.

    I wasn’t sure what else to say, but, somehow, this new knowledge changed everything. I leaned against the gates, suddenly shy. “I’m sorry that I don’t remember you...” I muttered.

    He shrugged, a small smile on his lips. “It’s alright. Seimei didn’t really introduce me to your family.”
    I nodded. Children were starting to run through the gates, talking and laughing, while I stood here next to a complete stranger. Or was he? If he knew my brother, that meant he was good, right?

    “What’s your name?” I asked softly.

    His somewhat silly smile grew a bit, and he mimicked me by leaning next to me on the gates. “Soubi,” he said.

    A few people were looking suspiciously at him. I guess he was a little conspicuous; cigarette butts were at his feet, his hair was longer than most of the girls surrounding the now-crowded entrance, and he was much too young to be a parent picking up their child, yet he was talking to me.

    Was he one of those bad adults my teachers always warned me about? The kind that tempted you with candy, then took you away forever? Older people always told us kids to never leave with someone you just met. But this man was Soubi, Seimei’s friend. He wasn’t really a stranger, then.

    “Do you have some time, Soubi?” I asked him.

    He looked back at me, and his eyes met mine. I looked shyly away, suddenly very aware of my ears and tail. He smiled that same, small, yet silly smile, and said, “All the time in the world.” Then he ruffled my hair. He brushed against the furry black ears on the top of my head, and they twitched.

    “Okay,” I spoke, feeling a grin against my cheeks. I had not been with a friend in so long. I was suddenly happy. “Let’s go to the park,” I suggested, tugging lightly at his cuffs. I heard him chuckle, which was a low, throaty sound, and he followed me.

    That was the first day I met Soubi, my older brother’s friend. I remember thinking that he wasn’t what I expected a friend of Seimei’s to be like. Seimei was an extremely friendly seventeen year old, and had many good friends and acquaintances. I never met any of them, because he always left them to play with me. Soubi later told me that he was enrolled in University, and was twenty years old. What was a university student doing hanging around with my brother, who was still in high school? Soubi always seemed calm and passive, while Seimei liked to take the lead in everything. Maybe that was why they were friends; it was the perfect mixture.

    I had never been in my school’s neighborhood before, and it took us a while to find the park. When we did, we rested on a park bench and exchanged a few words. I was still a little shy, being in the presence of an adult. The only adults I had ever been close to were my parents. Certainly not a college student. I wondered when he had lost his ears. Maybe it was recently? That would make it a little less bad.

    That day was a Saturday, which meant school ended at noon. The park was very empty. Of course, I suggested such a place because it was beautiful; a perfect place to take pictures. Soubi smiled when I pulled out my digital camera, and quickly got involved. He took several pictures of me, and a few butterflies that were resting on a wooden bench. We explored different parts of the park, looking for anything to capture on my camera.

    I loved taking pictures. Even if I didn’t, I would do it anyway. I want memories. My current self, “Ritsuka”, has to go away eventually, just as suddenly as it appeared. When the original Ritsuka comes back, I will still have my memories to remind me of my second life.

    Sometimes that makes me feel sad. What happens if these pictures don’t bring back memories? Will my current self be forever forgotten? The people that work with Katsuko-sensei tell me I have multiple personalities. I looked it up in a book when I got home. Apparently, it means that there is more than one type of person inside my body, and each one takes control at different times. However, I must have been a special case; This ‘personality’ had been in control for two years now, and my original one had not returned.

    Sometimes I wish I could just be normal. Every once in a while, I long for friends. There is no one besides Katsuko-sensei who will listen to me, and even then, Katsuko-sensei is getting paid for it. She tells me she cares about me, but it still doesn’t seem right.

    But every time I feel this way, I just remind myself that friends might hurt me even more than I already am. They were too much trouble and responsibility. It would be much easier just to go through life, remembering my one true friend, Seimei.

    I expected the first day of my new school to bring such thoughts to me, and leave me depressed. However, that didn’t happen. I had no time to be reminded of those things. I was too busy with Soubi.

    Me and Soubi had a strange talk that day in the park. I’m too tired to write about it now, though. Maybe some other time.

    I wonder whether this notebook thing is going to work or not.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 12th, 2008 04:36 am (UTC)
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Jun. 15th, 2008 03:14 am (UTC)
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Jun. 15th, 2008 04:45 pm (UTC)
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Apr. 24th, 2009 03:07 am (UTC)
Can you
Would you mind e-mailing me the Tokio hotel story all me it? In diegog to know how it ends and my computer refuses to let me see it. Im erica 17 Zada_foy@yahoo.com
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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